A Dog’s Will. Seriously.

LulaMae, a reddish chihuahua is looking sweetly at you. She's laying on a floral rug.
Living Will and Testament of LulaMae Cosper 08/04/2023 🐾 My fellow dog parkians, let me start by saying, that I know I might have seemed a little uptight at times – okay, most any time other dogs were in the park. Blame it on my chihuahua ancestry. We naturally defend ourselves. I can’t thank you enough for the pure satisfaction it gave me to jump up and snap at those of you who behaved like fucking maniacs. Who chases a ball nonstop? I didn’t even do that in the throws of my brain tumor. Sure, in my younger years I loved a good squeaky, but come on. Do you know how many times us short statured canines got trampled? Therefore, you fairly deserved the clench of my small choppers. On that note, When you see a senior dog who is your elder, you should mind your manners and ask if we need assistance kicking dirt after we hunch to take a poo. Not get up in our grill to see what our plaque smells like. Yes, I wanted to get the hell outta dodge when my person wanted to stick around and chat, but as a proud chihuahua mix, it’s my duty to call the shots. I did my intimidating, and it was time to split. What could my person not understand? Overall, I did love you all. Except for Serena, the husky who held me in the air for 3 minutes by the neck like I was a ragdoll. You’re a satanic bitch. You are not allowed anything I’ve left in the giant zipper bag on the picnic table. I feel sorry for your sibling, Thor. No telling what kind of hell you’ve put him thru. I hear he’s nearing the bridge. Bet he’ll be glad. Let’s get on with it… I, LulaMae Cosper, bequeath this huge bag with a variety of biscuits to be distributed at the dog park, in the following manner below: To Roo, I leave you three of the charcuterie flavored biscuits and one milkbone. Thanks for being on the same page. Our people talked for way too long, and you knew how to stay on your side of the dirt. To Such, the Aussie, chill the fuck out. It’s only a ball. although it did keep you preoccupied so you didn’t mess with me. There are some big hard biscuits in that bag that were rough on a chihuahua’s teeth. Those’ll keep you busy when you’re not outside chasing the ball. By the way, I saw the love you gave my lady when she was going to pick up my ashes. Thank you. Scooby, I gotta say, coming from a f’d up, tortured background myself, they really did a number on your ears. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. We’re lucky we got a second chance. Facing the world with botched ears – or having to go thru that brutality in the first place, take as many biscuits as you please. To Luke, my fellow chihuahua mix, I appreciated watching you and your person exercise in the early mornings at the park. You never crossed the line with me, but made a chihuahua proud toward other dogs. You’re alright. Have a couple the milk bones. About two – you’re a lot skinnier than I was. Please tell your person that my person’s name isn’t Stephanie. Nori, the Sheppard (?) you did calm down there at the end. But when we first met, the moment you’d spot me, it was like you went out of your way to piss me off – and it worked. While my person found it funny, I did not, nor am I sorry for the times I bit you. You, Nala, and Such ran that park – or so you thought. Since you took a chill pill, have one of each, the big hard biscuit, the bacon flavored one, and a milkbone. Addie. The poodle (?) Look, I just have a thing against white fluffy dogs. And although you have some black spots, to me, you’re still white and fluffy and that fur never jived with me. But I thank you for keeping to yourself, though I must admit I did feel jealous AF with all the affection you’d give my person. I’m now granting you permission to give her a lot of it. She needs it. This really fucked her up with my exit. Have all the biscuits you want. Whiskey, the new husky pup down the hall and at the park, you have a lot of growing up to do. You’re super tall, skinny, with that high-strung puppy energy. Luckily your person keeps you on a strict, short leash. My person left you the rest of my kibble – and even thought it’s a small dog blend, I think you’ll enjoy it. Good ol Stella and Chewy. It’s raw coated. And you have your own stash of biscuits outside your door. Being energetic, you’ll do well at the park. Hudson and Rex – Rex, I’ll be checking in on Dutchess now that we’re over here together. You should see her. She’s like a spring chicken on this side of the bridge. You schnauzers – she’s back to the demanding bark. Hudson, the new, silly, lanky, Weimaraner pup counting months in age, filling Dutchess’ empty spot. That last day I saw you on the sidewalk and you got in my face, I just didn’t have the energy to snap at you. The feeling was there, but it was too much effort to put forth. I’m sure some other chihuahua will set you straight. Rex, you probably only can eat 3 biscuits, but Hudson, you’re growing like a weed. Have as many as your person will let you have. Prince, oh Prince, you great big lovable sac of pit bull. Your owner doesn’t want to admit it, but you’re next. To be honest, I think you were ready to cross the rainbow bridge long before me. Have as many of those biscuits as you can chew, buddy. You never fucked with me, nor I you, because I didn’t think you had the strength. Let go, man. Over here, you won’t have to lay down and rest after every few steps. You’ll be running free again. Give up the fight. Honey, possible shitz-u?, I could never figure you out because your person always picked you up when we approached. Either he knew I was a real badass, or I hate to think it, but there’s a possibility you might have been a badass, yourself. Dig into that bag o biscuits! Rockefeller and Beethoven, do you have any clue what goes thru a chihuahua’s head while in an enclosed fence with two great danes running around? It’s not cool man. But you know what they say about great danes…it won’t be long before you two are over here. Since you’re both so goddamned tall, I’m asking you to be kind and skip the biscuits or no one else will get any. And Rock, you have that sensitive stomach that’s always splattered along the sidewalk between our buildings, so yeah, give the maintenance crew a break and leave the biscuits alone. Lola, the chow, rumor has it that something pretty amazing happened for your person and you two moved. I’m really happy for you. You were always a good girl that knew not to come near me. Ps. You seriously need a bath. There are so many others I’d like to say goodbye to that I didn’t know your names…that taller Aussie with the tattooed man; the poodle with the man and we ran into you at the vet that day – what a coincidence, huh?; River (?) the black dog with the muscly owner hitting on everyone; those two chis who looked like smaller versions of me; the corgi whose name escapes me right now with the sweet people; the white fluffy dog whose lady smells like booze; that huge chow mix whose lady took you for your last visit then backed out while the needle was in your arm, um, (it’s time) I’ll see you over here very soon; the three chihuahuas at the house on the corner – you never came to the park, but what a blast we had together ripping each other a new one thru the fence! Am I right?; that black cat across the street –  you’re so weird. You just stand and stare; Myrna the terrier from the old neighborhood – god how I loved to have a terrorizing growl down with you. Heard you got your ass kicked at the Hollywood dog park and haven’t been the same since. I guess that dog didn’t see it as a game, like we did; Boogie and Noodles – no one peed in our house again after you chugs moved to the Valley; Fidel, my fellow chi, you ol softie, you were alright, my man. I loved that you were smaller than me and I truly was the big dog. I hope you’re well. I saw on my person’s Instagram that you got a new pup. I hope you’re calling the shots. I have a feeling you’ll be here soon. Lucy and Daisy, what a shock that Nemo suddenly crossed the bridge! Probably to come over here and continue barking at me. That’s all he knew how to do. I’m looking out for him. Gosh, what a young pup. I’m wearing ear plugs. If you’re not listed and it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you. There are so many great things on this side of the Rainbow Bridge that I need to cut this short and get back to the party. I’m hanging with Jewels and Harold, my person’s previous dogs. We’re sharing some great stories! Guess who’s here? Selena, the ol pit bull from Beachwood that would stay with us sometimes. And for all my friends out there who are fighting the end, let go. It’s a better life over here. Pain free, running free, your tail wags so fast you think it’s gonna fall off, there are no shelters, no abuse, no breeders or altering. There’s a stream with cool water to drink, the doghouses are lined with picket bone fences (need to be replaced often). You never have to go to a vet clinic here. The grass is greener, and there are no signs that prohibit us from peeing on it. And last but not least, to my wonderful person who never gave up on me, especially those first few years when I stayed under the bed, thinking you were going to hurt me and I bit you real good. Thank you for teaching me how to trust – a little. I know that last day was so hard, and Dr. Ta was a total dick. But I thank you for listening to the neurologists and doing it anyway. I was miserable. I’d lost my mojo. Can you imagine being in constant seizures and when you’re not, you have no sense of direction and chaos in your mind? Ninety percent of the time you were just a blob of energy to me. I couldn’t even find our way to the elevator anymore or know which way to turn going out the door, or what to do when you had out my leash, or how to walk thru the doorway. I would suddenly run into the side of the building outside in public. It was embarrassing me. I never wanted you or any of the dogs at the park to see me that way. You don’t know what the pressure felt like that the tumor was putting on my brain. The only thing I enjoyed was eating and I was eating anything. As long as I was chewing something, it occupied my brain from the chaos, and for a dog who was already known as Gordo around town, it would only get worse. You’re gonna be okay without me. We had a great run. Now it’s time for you to run by yourself for a while, then eventually get another buddy who can guide you – a real guide dog this time. Cause honestly, if you didn’t have that little tunnel of vision left, I would’ve gotten our asses flattened into the street so many times. Sure, the guide dog will have to wear that weird harness and broadcast you’re blind, but drop the ego. It’s obvious you are. Have the confidence I had when the big dogs came around. Give no fucks what anyone else thinks. You got this. And whether you can see me or not, I’m still right beside you. It’s time to stop sleeping with my bed and blanket – that blanket was hot AF, btw. I’m having a blast over here. You should be doing the same. And by all means, you have my permission to eat eggrolls and spicy tuna rolls again and not feel guilty about it. I’m eating loads of it over here, along with sauteed Swiss chard, Boca burgers, cantaloupe, quesadillas, and Tofurky slices. Ps…why did you wait until I was gone to buy those chocolate ice cream treats? They look good and obviously you like them. You know how much I loved chocolate ice cream. Love, LulaMae 🐾🐾

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